Waiting for the Gift

Today my copy of "Jesus Wept: When Faith & Depression Meet" arrived. I ordered it after reading my sister-in-law's copy. Barbara Crafton wrote/writes so eloquently about having the condition of depression and being a person of faith - in her case an Episcopal priest, in my case, a clergy woman w/out a congregation but a deep awareness of God having something in mind for my life.

I've always searched for my purpose, my meaning for being. It's been embedded in me since, well, before birth. I have ached to know what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be for as long as I can remember. My whole life entailed/s this search. I think I've found my essence but it's not something concrete. And today, I was "told" via the words of another that this isn't a goal I can attain, but a gift to be recieved.

Wow, that turns things around. In the back of Barbara's book, several pages of other books of interest are listed.
Parker J. Palmer has written a couple of books re: life/spiritual journey etc. and this one,
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation
speaks directly to me. Here is what the write-up on the book says: and I quote

Let Your Life Speak is an insightful & moving mediation on finding one's true calling. The book's title is a time-honored Quaker admonition, usually taken to mean "Let the hightest truths and values guide everything you do." But Palmer reinterprets those words, drawing on his own earch for selfhood. "Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it," he writes, "listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent." Sharing sotries of frailty and strength, of darkness and light, Palmer will show you that vocation is NOT (my caps) A GOAL TO BE ACHIEVED BUT A GIFT TO BE RECEIVED.

What an insight and for me an epiphany. I have sought to gain, achieve, find for so long that I may have missed the directions I was supposed to take and went off on detours that while not a waste may have prolonged this journey somewhat. Or not.

Anyway - as I took my walk this morning w/Caleb & tried to be attentive, the parable that speaks to my Enneagram # (4) came to mind. This is from Matthew - "Do not worry..." And I try not to worry but of course you can't try not to worry. It's as Yoda said, "Try, there is no try. Do or do not." Funny, my drill sargent would say the same thing. But worry is there - worry about not paying bills, not being in a position to deal w/the unexpected, etc. Sure, we have a roof over our heads and eat but the drain of living paycheck to paycheck is, well, it's draining.
So, without wanting to recite that litany again, I am seeking the answer that I presume is within that parable. I don't envy others in the sense that I don't want them to have what they are meant to have but I would like to have the money to pay for hot water, for home repairs, for other things.
So, the parable came to mind as I walked around. And I heard Jesus/God?? say that it would all work out and the vision that was laid upon my heart will come to pass. Even if I don't know at the moment how to make that happen. But maybe I don't need to. It's just that the message that we have to take the bull by the horns to make things happen seems to be very ingrained in me. How does one discover when to "act" and when to "wait?" Even if it is "active waiting" does that mean do NOTHING? Or SOMETHING? Pray...be open...listen...aackk.