So, I suppose there is a story in the fact that I did not make it to my story telling workshop tonight, up in Clifton Park. Or not. I left home about 5:15 and headed to the Northway. Everything was fine until I realized I was not sure what exit to take. But I did remember I had been on Route 9 last session and I thought I remembered the address so I took what seemed like the correct exit. Only it wasn't. But it did bring me to Route 9 which I turned onto, heading north. Drove about 5 miles and couldn't find the bookstore. Turned around and headed south back to what I thought was the correct address. But it wasn't. By then I had to accept that I had no idea where I needed to go and after several misguided attempts, made it back to the Northway. Heading south. While crying. Alot. Hard. One of the things that I have always been able to do well is find my way around, even if I have been someplace only once. My sense of direction has always served me well. Ok, not always but 99% of the time. But tonight that gift failed me. It's happened before. It isn't the worst of experiences. But I didn't want to miss the workshop. And I couldn't remember the name of the bookstore. So, I had nothing to work with. Is it a prelude to future problems? The book I'm reading, "Carved in Sand" suggests that early onset Alzheimers or other forms of dimentia have been missed in the pass. And the book about the neurologist who documented her recovery from a stroke suggests that typical tests for these things don't take into account the original starting point for the patient. A high functioning person who losese their typical abilities should not be evaluated as if everything were normal. For that person, it's not. Not that this is a matter of higher functioning but my typical level of operating is one thing. Tonight's events make me wonder if there is something to be concerned about. Or am I just doing drama? I've forgotten plenty of things in the past. There are so many reasons why we forget things: stress, distractions, organic breakdowns, and others but this rattles me. I wanted to go. I know I couldn't have been too far from the store but just couldn't get a sense of what direction I needed to head in.
And it upset me. I was disappointed. I felt lost. And maybe that's what triggered the angst. I don't like feeling lost, without an anchor, without a set point. And so then I cried out to God, "what do you want from me? What am I supposed to learn? What's this test about? Is it or am I exaggerating? I don't want to exaggerate the depth of the experience. I don't want to work out of my temperment, hardwiring distortion. Enneagram 4 - that's me. But God, you made me this way and now I'm not supposed to be who I am? I feel what I feel, but it's too much? Too much angst...too much despair. And what did Melissa (spiritual director) warn me about yesterday? She mentioned, Merton was it? The womb is the wound? Sounds backwards. But the wound is still there obviously. And then I felt like I wanted my mom. Either one. Not sure that "Ruby" could handle this - but hers was the womb I came from. And then I heard Mom ask, "what do you want me to do Josie? What do you need? And that's the thing. I have no idea. Even if Mom were here, which I desperately want, what could she do? She can't fix my life, fix me, fix the situation...I just want her back. Five years later and it's like it's last week. I hated when she was like this about her dad. I never said anything to her but couldn't understand why 25 years later, her grief was still so fresh. I believe some of it had to do w/the fact she did have issues she never dealt with. But smart-aleck me thought I'd escape that depth of pain, that sense of loss, having "dealt" with my issues. Yeah. I have - but the wound of loss is still there. The grief. Still with me. I miss you Mom & Dad - but tonight I just cried out for Mommy.
And then I wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Talk about sympathy pains - empathic experience. Mom used food to handle the hurt. I know it's not a good idea. Doesn't really change the facts. Doesn't really make it better. I guess it does work as a pain blocker for a little while. I've done it before, knowing it wasn't going to change anything.
But I wanted some chocolate cake and thought, "why not?" I stopped at a diner in Kinderhook. There was a huge classic car show going on. It didn't entice me. I went in but it was busy and I didn't think they'd accept a credit card for what probably would be less than a $5.00 purchase. I left and stopped at the Hannaford down the road. I wandered up and down the refrigerator aisle until I found the cake. I purchased it and drove home. On the radio a song highlighting nostalgia played, John Mellencamp's "Cherry Bomb." Perfect background music to a chocolate cake binge w/a classic car setting. A little before my time but nostalgia hemmed the night.
I don't know if there's anything to be learned in this "story." Or writing it. Melissa suggested I journal around the discussion from yesterday...the wound, the womb, my "4" characteristics. Didn't think there'd be too much generated but maybe I was wrong. I don't know. I've been told I overanalyze things...I'm too sensitive...I'm shoot, what's the word - don't work hard enough - yea that's it, I don't live up to my potential. I've been trying to all my life. And there was one other thing I realized that had me upset. I don't think I can tell stories anymore. I used to be able to make them up but I haven't done that in a long time.
I can tell about things - like a story - but who cares really? Will it make a difference? I hadn't planned on just writing for myself - telling stories to myself. That was the point of going to the story telling workshop. And wow - missed the first session, missed tonight. Is there something I need to know from this? Can't I pursue anything so that it serves a purpose for the greater good if not my own? I don't know. I just know that the cake tasted good. And I didn't eat tooo much. Just enough.
Showing posts with label August 14-23. Show all posts
Showing posts with label August 14-23. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Saturday, August 23, 2008
More Michigan & Beyond
Hi All -
Thanks again to those of you who read our blogs - and for letting us know.
We realize it's not always consistent - but then again - isn't life a bit like that?
People ask - "how has the riding been?" and I ususually answer, "alot like life, some hard days, some easy, some rough patches, some smooth - but all in all I wouldn't have missed it for anything".
I've also been asked whether I'd do it again if I had the chance and to that I say, "It depends on when you ask me." I probably would if it was meant to be - but I would surely want to know that it was something God was asking of me. The level of stamina and endurance that is needed for this is significant - and I do recognize that I have made it this far - with my break - but I honestly believe that I have done what I did because God provided the opportunity and then empowered me to do it. On my own - I wouldn't have considered riding across the country on a bike. Not that I wouldn't have given it some thought - or just thought it was a neat thing to do - but in terms of what I am usually up for physically - this would not be at the top of the list. There are some riders who are athletic - some who are more casual riders and some who truly have had to deal w/physical ailments that would make anyone think twice about embarking upon this type of ride. Yet, I guess in each of our cases, God asked it of us and then empowered us to go ahead and do it.
I also truly believe that the prayers we have had prayed for us and the support and encouragment that is directed towards us all play a part in keeping us going, moving eastward and God-ward as we use this tour to do our part in ending the cycle of poverty.
For all those who have said that they are involved in only a small way - I say that each person who has chosen or been moved to participate in this tour is a necessary and vital part of the tour. Systems work together in ways that allow for good or for ill to occur and if you have taken part in this tour - either through prayer, financial support, baking goodies for us or opening your homes to us - you have been a part of this special system that has been created to address the unhealthy systems that keep people oppressed or feeling that they are doomed to spend their lives in need and want.
I will say that if the whole tour had been like the last couple of weeks, there would have been a lot less drama and angst on my part but again - life doesn't work like that either as there will be uphills, hot days or headwinds. It's all part of this package and avoiding or trying to avoid the challenges and difficulties usually doesn't work. As tough as the first 4 weeks were - and they were - I would have missed out on so much had I not taken part in it. I don't ever want to bike through a desert again - but I got to see a part of the country I had never seen before. We've been blessed in terms of weather other than that very hot days that we encountered (yes, I did miss some of them in Nebraska & Wisconsin). And the roads and environment in Michigan & Canada have been terrific. It seems to be true, in my case at least that familiarity makes for comfort. Michigan and Canada look a lot like what I am used to - green, suburbs & farms, humidity and other characteristics which in their familiarity I find comforting. It should help me to empathize more I suppose with those who find change threatening or unwelcome and I hope I will be - but I also hope that others will take the risk that change seems to represent and find out what else there is for them in life. Like many things - it doesn't have to be either/or - life can be both/and. Familiar and yet new, similar yet different, comfortable yet going beyond comfort to the next level.
As of Wednesday - we have been in Canada and I cannot say enough about how hospitable our Canadian cousins have been. Ontario is beautiful and the rides have been mostly smooth - (again - a few rough spots here and there) and the outpouring of support is phenomenol. If it is true that people express their love via food - then we have been loved as high as the clouds and as deep as the oceans. Churches and individuals have provided us with snacks and fruit and cold water and ice cream and pastries until we feel like Thanksgiving turkeys (American style) ready to be served. To see all the people awaiting our arrival in Ontario on Wednesday when we crossed on the ferry was truly overwhelming. Of course there were many family members there -looking for their riders but even we Americans felt like we were being welcomed back home. How fitting and again - how illustrative of the concept of true, biblical hospitality.
For myself, I wanted to find a place to buy a Canadian flag to "wear" on my bike. I saw a gentleman speaking w/one of the riders and asked him if he could let me know where I might get one. He didn't answer but responded by giving me the flag he held in his hand. It's bigger than the ones that most people have been putting on their bikes (Canadian or American) but I attached it as best as I could and rode on my way.
Other wonders occured on Wednesday when Johnny ("Do Something Beautiful") Pierce rode by w/John Vanderveen and somehow I managed to catch up w/them. Yes, they had to have been taking it easy but we rode from the marina to Chatham (Ontario - not NY my New York friends) together. I don't know where the energy came from - it had to have been the cupcakes and candy and boeter koeke (Dutch- see if you can guess what it means) that I had before getting back on the road. Everything went smoothly until about 7 km from Chatham where we stayed Wed. night. Earlier - John's (Pierce) rear tire & my front one clicked although we didn't go down thank goodness. But it seemed to have affected his tire because not 1 but 2 spokes broke. Suffice it to say I felt badly but Johnny was a good sport and said it was something that happens when biking - which is true. I know he would have preferred not to have to SAG into camp but as it was - he did get a ride to a bike shop where the spokes were fixed, the tires replaced and someone very generously covered the cost. Then John got a ride back out to the spot we had stopped and rode the rest of the way into camp. Given that another rider had taken a bad fall due to his frame splitting (I'll spare you the details but please keep him in prayer as he recovers) I am happy that nothing worse happened to John or myself. The best part of that ride was singing our way into camp. It's amazing I can sing and ride at the same time but it does pass the time. Which is good because there were a couple of days during that week that I wasn't sure whether or not I'd make it in to camp that day.
Tuesday was pretty tough - as it was a 95 mile day and I was dragging along. Lovely Greta got in front of me at some point and we took off. I was able to keep up w/her for most of the day but I know she was holding back as well. We spent a number of miles together and then when we got to Walter's stop I let her break free. Jake P. & I ended up doing the last 20/30 miles together and got help along the way from Tim V. Tim does work w/the CRC and is a really good rider as well. If he hadn't carried us along I would have called it quits long before getting to camp but he like so many others kept us going and we rode into camp just as dinner was being served.
Those long days are the ones that really get to me. I think I can handle up to about 60 miles and then I want to stop. There were so many places along the roadway that looked inviting enough to stop at and take a nap - a long nap. Which only works if you have all the time in the world and don't have to be any place in particular.
On Thursday - it was almost the same thing. I couldn't keep up w/my shadow it seemed and the road seemed endless and I was sure I would miss lunch that another wonderful congregation was serving but I managed to get there around 1 and there was plenty to eat and I wasn't even the last or near to the last person to get into camp. Thursday was a busy day for some riders as there was a time trial for anyone who wanted to sign up - (testing yourself against yourself) but they did ask that only riders who could do 18miles/hour or better sign up so the volunteers who were helping out didn't have to stay out all day. Suffice it to say - I didn't sign up. (Many bikers also went to the VELODROME. It's an indoor bike track that goes around in circles at some bizarre angle and riders can ride like it's some kind of amusement park thing).
I did get to London early enough to get clothes done but I missed going to the work project I had signed up for. We needed to meet before 7 but I thought we had to meet at the bus at 7 - so I missed that one. If I can get in early enough for the project in Binghamton NY - I'll do that. In London we were greeted again by a number of wonderful people who had all the different kinds of dessert in the world you can imagine -after serving us snacks and dinner and inviting us to do laundry and swim in their pools.
From London we went to Hamilton and again were greeted graciously. I may even have been on a news story that aired Friday night as a local station was videotaping riders for their story and I rode in just as they were preparing to tape the riders following their van. Everyone said to get in the group and perhaps be on t.v. - For once, getting in late didn't mean missing everything, although I did miss getting a pedicure or foot massage. I will appreciate them even more now than I ever have. I also had decided to see if I could go home w/someone as I wanted to sleep in a bed and take a shower in a home setting. There was room & I signed up to stay w/Sandy & Suzie (from NJ) and we got to stay w/Ann who was just wonderful. It was also nice spending time w/others from NJ even though neither of them grew up there like I did.
Ann got us back to Redeemer University where we had been hosted by 7 a.m. Sat. morning and we were on the road again before too long. Corinne & I rode again together today (did yesterday also) and got to St. Catherine's this afternoon around 3:30. She got into camp before I did - as she can put the pedal to the metal (so to speak) when she wants to. I got caught at a couple of lights and stopped in a bike shop for some chain lube. I ended up getting some other things & forgot the lube but hopefully will be able to borrow some before the week is over.
Now I am getting ready to go to sleep for the night at the home of another lovely couple - Mike & Engline, my hosts for the night.
I will do my best to get updated w/pictures before too long. The smoother, shorter rides have provided the opportunity to take many moreand I enjoy sharing them w/my readers.
As I reviewed this before posting - I realize I have used a number of superlatives to describe the people and experiences from the last 2 weeks. It's hard to know how to express the level of what we have experienced in words alone and writers usually advise not going overboard but it's hard not to. I hope when I get the pictures up - they will be able to convey a sense of what we are feeling and thinking but perhaps it can only fully be understood by others who are participating in some way or another. Again - this is similar to life itself. Sometimes you just have to be there.
Thanks again to those of you who read our blogs - and for letting us know.
We realize it's not always consistent - but then again - isn't life a bit like that?
People ask - "how has the riding been?" and I ususually answer, "alot like life, some hard days, some easy, some rough patches, some smooth - but all in all I wouldn't have missed it for anything".
I've also been asked whether I'd do it again if I had the chance and to that I say, "It depends on when you ask me." I probably would if it was meant to be - but I would surely want to know that it was something God was asking of me. The level of stamina and endurance that is needed for this is significant - and I do recognize that I have made it this far - with my break - but I honestly believe that I have done what I did because God provided the opportunity and then empowered me to do it. On my own - I wouldn't have considered riding across the country on a bike. Not that I wouldn't have given it some thought - or just thought it was a neat thing to do - but in terms of what I am usually up for physically - this would not be at the top of the list. There are some riders who are athletic - some who are more casual riders and some who truly have had to deal w/physical ailments that would make anyone think twice about embarking upon this type of ride. Yet, I guess in each of our cases, God asked it of us and then empowered us to go ahead and do it.
I also truly believe that the prayers we have had prayed for us and the support and encouragment that is directed towards us all play a part in keeping us going, moving eastward and God-ward as we use this tour to do our part in ending the cycle of poverty.
For all those who have said that they are involved in only a small way - I say that each person who has chosen or been moved to participate in this tour is a necessary and vital part of the tour. Systems work together in ways that allow for good or for ill to occur and if you have taken part in this tour - either through prayer, financial support, baking goodies for us or opening your homes to us - you have been a part of this special system that has been created to address the unhealthy systems that keep people oppressed or feeling that they are doomed to spend their lives in need and want.
I will say that if the whole tour had been like the last couple of weeks, there would have been a lot less drama and angst on my part but again - life doesn't work like that either as there will be uphills, hot days or headwinds. It's all part of this package and avoiding or trying to avoid the challenges and difficulties usually doesn't work. As tough as the first 4 weeks were - and they were - I would have missed out on so much had I not taken part in it. I don't ever want to bike through a desert again - but I got to see a part of the country I had never seen before. We've been blessed in terms of weather other than that very hot days that we encountered (yes, I did miss some of them in Nebraska & Wisconsin). And the roads and environment in Michigan & Canada have been terrific. It seems to be true, in my case at least that familiarity makes for comfort. Michigan and Canada look a lot like what I am used to - green, suburbs & farms, humidity and other characteristics which in their familiarity I find comforting. It should help me to empathize more I suppose with those who find change threatening or unwelcome and I hope I will be - but I also hope that others will take the risk that change seems to represent and find out what else there is for them in life. Like many things - it doesn't have to be either/or - life can be both/and. Familiar and yet new, similar yet different, comfortable yet going beyond comfort to the next level.
As of Wednesday - we have been in Canada and I cannot say enough about how hospitable our Canadian cousins have been. Ontario is beautiful and the rides have been mostly smooth - (again - a few rough spots here and there) and the outpouring of support is phenomenol. If it is true that people express their love via food - then we have been loved as high as the clouds and as deep as the oceans. Churches and individuals have provided us with snacks and fruit and cold water and ice cream and pastries until we feel like Thanksgiving turkeys (American style) ready to be served. To see all the people awaiting our arrival in Ontario on Wednesday when we crossed on the ferry was truly overwhelming. Of course there were many family members there -looking for their riders but even we Americans felt like we were being welcomed back home. How fitting and again - how illustrative of the concept of true, biblical hospitality.
For myself, I wanted to find a place to buy a Canadian flag to "wear" on my bike. I saw a gentleman speaking w/one of the riders and asked him if he could let me know where I might get one. He didn't answer but responded by giving me the flag he held in his hand. It's bigger than the ones that most people have been putting on their bikes (Canadian or American) but I attached it as best as I could and rode on my way.
Other wonders occured on Wednesday when Johnny ("Do Something Beautiful") Pierce rode by w/John Vanderveen and somehow I managed to catch up w/them. Yes, they had to have been taking it easy but we rode from the marina to Chatham (Ontario - not NY my New York friends) together. I don't know where the energy came from - it had to have been the cupcakes and candy and boeter koeke (Dutch- see if you can guess what it means) that I had before getting back on the road. Everything went smoothly until about 7 km from Chatham where we stayed Wed. night. Earlier - John's (Pierce) rear tire & my front one clicked although we didn't go down thank goodness. But it seemed to have affected his tire because not 1 but 2 spokes broke. Suffice it to say I felt badly but Johnny was a good sport and said it was something that happens when biking - which is true. I know he would have preferred not to have to SAG into camp but as it was - he did get a ride to a bike shop where the spokes were fixed, the tires replaced and someone very generously covered the cost. Then John got a ride back out to the spot we had stopped and rode the rest of the way into camp. Given that another rider had taken a bad fall due to his frame splitting (I'll spare you the details but please keep him in prayer as he recovers) I am happy that nothing worse happened to John or myself. The best part of that ride was singing our way into camp. It's amazing I can sing and ride at the same time but it does pass the time. Which is good because there were a couple of days during that week that I wasn't sure whether or not I'd make it in to camp that day.
Tuesday was pretty tough - as it was a 95 mile day and I was dragging along. Lovely Greta got in front of me at some point and we took off. I was able to keep up w/her for most of the day but I know she was holding back as well. We spent a number of miles together and then when we got to Walter's stop I let her break free. Jake P. & I ended up doing the last 20/30 miles together and got help along the way from Tim V. Tim does work w/the CRC and is a really good rider as well. If he hadn't carried us along I would have called it quits long before getting to camp but he like so many others kept us going and we rode into camp just as dinner was being served.
Those long days are the ones that really get to me. I think I can handle up to about 60 miles and then I want to stop. There were so many places along the roadway that looked inviting enough to stop at and take a nap - a long nap. Which only works if you have all the time in the world and don't have to be any place in particular.
On Thursday - it was almost the same thing. I couldn't keep up w/my shadow it seemed and the road seemed endless and I was sure I would miss lunch that another wonderful congregation was serving but I managed to get there around 1 and there was plenty to eat and I wasn't even the last or near to the last person to get into camp. Thursday was a busy day for some riders as there was a time trial for anyone who wanted to sign up - (testing yourself against yourself) but they did ask that only riders who could do 18miles/hour or better sign up so the volunteers who were helping out didn't have to stay out all day. Suffice it to say - I didn't sign up. (Many bikers also went to the VELODROME. It's an indoor bike track that goes around in circles at some bizarre angle and riders can ride like it's some kind of amusement park thing).
I did get to London early enough to get clothes done but I missed going to the work project I had signed up for. We needed to meet before 7 but I thought we had to meet at the bus at 7 - so I missed that one. If I can get in early enough for the project in Binghamton NY - I'll do that. In London we were greeted again by a number of wonderful people who had all the different kinds of dessert in the world you can imagine -after serving us snacks and dinner and inviting us to do laundry and swim in their pools.
From London we went to Hamilton and again were greeted graciously. I may even have been on a news story that aired Friday night as a local station was videotaping riders for their story and I rode in just as they were preparing to tape the riders following their van. Everyone said to get in the group and perhaps be on t.v. - For once, getting in late didn't mean missing everything, although I did miss getting a pedicure or foot massage. I will appreciate them even more now than I ever have. I also had decided to see if I could go home w/someone as I wanted to sleep in a bed and take a shower in a home setting. There was room & I signed up to stay w/Sandy & Suzie (from NJ) and we got to stay w/Ann who was just wonderful. It was also nice spending time w/others from NJ even though neither of them grew up there like I did.
Ann got us back to Redeemer University where we had been hosted by 7 a.m. Sat. morning and we were on the road again before too long. Corinne & I rode again together today (did yesterday also) and got to St. Catherine's this afternoon around 3:30. She got into camp before I did - as she can put the pedal to the metal (so to speak) when she wants to. I got caught at a couple of lights and stopped in a bike shop for some chain lube. I ended up getting some other things & forgot the lube but hopefully will be able to borrow some before the week is over.
Now I am getting ready to go to sleep for the night at the home of another lovely couple - Mike & Engline, my hosts for the night.
I will do my best to get updated w/pictures before too long. The smoother, shorter rides have provided the opportunity to take many moreand I enjoy sharing them w/my readers.
As I reviewed this before posting - I realize I have used a number of superlatives to describe the people and experiences from the last 2 weeks. It's hard to know how to express the level of what we have experienced in words alone and writers usually advise not going overboard but it's hard not to. I hope when I get the pictures up - they will be able to convey a sense of what we are feeling and thinking but perhaps it can only fully be understood by others who are participating in some way or another. Again - this is similar to life itself. Sometimes you just have to be there.
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